Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Mr. Atsign.

JOHNNY: Good morning.

BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) Are you booked next Tuesday?

JOHNNY: I’m busy, but I could arrange to have part of the day free.

BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) Good. I’d like you to be a witness for me.

JOHNNY: A court appearance?

BLOGGER: (Telephone Filter) (Fading Out) Sorta/Kinda. Let me explain …

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short Fused Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @TheBomber So how’s that brass knuckles reputation management working for you?

SOUND: City street background noise. Door opens and closes. Street noise out. Restaurant background in.

JOHNNY: I had driven down to Montgomery County, parked my car, and walked into a restaurant near the Circuit Courthouse. I was meeting with Blogger and his lawyer Pro Bono.

PRO BONO: Johnny, over here.

JOHNNY: Good morning. Is that pot of coffee fresh?

BLOGGER: They just brought it over. I had the waitress leave a cup for you.

JOHNNY: Good.

BLOGGER: Thanks for for coming down this morning.

JOHNNY: Mmm. That’s good. No problem. I’m glad to help.

PRO BONO: Blogger had a good idea. Since I won’t actually need any of the defendants at the hearing today, it seems like a sensible strategy, but the idea and decision are all his.

BLOGGER: The Bomber can’t testify because of his perjury conviction. That’s a quirk of Maryland law. The only ways he can get evidence into the record is by introducing documents or through the testimony of other. If none of the defendants are in the courtroom, he can’t call us as witnesses.

JOHNNY: I’ve got that, but why do you want me there? I won’t be testifying.

BLOGGER: We’ll have the court audio and a written transcript, but if we don’t have someone in the gallery watching, we won’t have a good reading on The Bomber’s reactions to the various turns of events during the hearing.

PRO BONO: I’ll catch some things, but my real focus will be on the judge and his reactions. Having another pair of eyes from a more detached observer is helpful.

JOHNNY: Gotcha. So what’s the point of this morning’s hearing?

PRO BONO: Both sides have moved for summary judgment. Additionally, we’re asking the court to compel The Bomber to answer our discovery interrogatories and requests for production of documents.

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

ANNOUNCER: Those warm summer nights are here. Time to sit out on the porch sipping something cold. Are you a proud member of Team Lickspittle and a fan of Johnny Atsign? Why not sip that cold drink from a Johnny Atsign drinking glass? The Grand Hog, Johnny Atsign, Team Lickspittle, and Res Judicata merchandise is available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today, spend some money, and show your support for Team Lickspittle. You can also show your support by hitting the Tip Jar.

JUDGE: So you haven’t provided any discovery to the defendants?

THE BOMBER: I’ve filed for a protective order …

JUDGE: Protective order?!? This is your lawsuit. What are you trying to protect?

PRO BONO: Your Honor, we’ve had nothing from Plaintiff.

JUDGE: OK, I’m going to grant the motion to compel and order Plaintiff to complete discovery within 30 days.

PRO BONO: Your Honor, we have a court date early next month. I’ll need more time to prepare. We’ve asked for 7 days.

THE BOMBER: I could try in two weeks to …

PRO BONO: Your Honor, I’m in no position to negotiate with this man. Discovery is already two months late, and …

JUDGE: July 10th. You will have all discovery completed by July 10th. If you do not, you will not be able to introduce any evidence related to the topics of discovery at trial.

PRO BONO: Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE: I’ve already dismissed your claims on the non-torts, the harassment and stalking. I’ve already dismissed malicious prosecution, conspiracy to abuse process, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. I’ve you don’t comply with discovery, you do so at your own risk. You risk not being able to present a case at trial. Is there anything else?

PRO BONO: No, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Then we’ll take a break. The court is adjourned until 1:30.

SOUND: Gavel.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Blogger I’d say he left with his tail between his legs.

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Deductive reasoning worthy of Sherlock Jones. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Friday at 6 pm Eastern Time for the next episode of Blognet. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

29 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Oh how fun. I do like the psycho drama surrounding all of this. But that is tempered by the real money this is costing the defendants. Hopefully sanctions will cut the Bomber To The bone

    • Bill hates his life. You are just who he flings his poo at sometimes. I’ve never seen a more miserable lout. He whines if you mention him, he whines and attacks if you don’t. Only thing I can figure is that he is getting towards the end and looking back realizes what a complete waste his life has been and he just rages. Or he is just a huge dick and always has been. Take your pick.

      • I must give credit where credit is due. BS just gave me a great idea for an episode of Johnny Atsign!

        Johnny is called in to investigate the case of the adjudicated harasser of a senior citizen, a respected Latin professor with a heart condition. The stalker switches from harassing tweets and emails to constant libeling of the professor, accusing him of crimes like perjury. The clever harasser begins to infringe on the professor’s copyrights, laughing and challenging the professor to sue the harasser if he wants to protect his copyrights. Instead of irritating tweets, the harasser accuses the professor of all sorts of malfeasance, and puts a gypsy curse in him. He does this after first making his wife clean dog poop out of the bed because he has a peg leg and is disabled, the result of an accident at a shop that specialized in homoerotic porn. Well, Johnny can take it from here.

      • I must respectfully disagree, jem. 😉 I am quite sure it’s both – a chicken/egg thing, y’know? He hates his life, because he’s so roundly rejected; he’s roundly rejected, even by his own children, because he’s so vile; so his life is miserable; so he lashes out at others, and gets more rejection; blather, rinse, repeat.

    • Bill’s latest crude and bizarre attempt at criminal extortion is not going to look good for him in a certain courtroom. Not only is it very poor judgment and absolutely indefensible, it totally destroys his credibility. In all my years, I have never seen anyone do something so absolutely prejudicial and damaging to their case.

      Looks like the half-vast staff at Acme Law was really hard at work when the Elkridge Horror let that one ‘rip.

      What a mah-roon!!

      Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh Lordy, I can’t Bawhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Stop it BS, yer Bwahahahahahahahahahaha ‘killin me. He’s bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha as stupid as a cement block. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Stuck his pistol down his shorts and blew his wee-wee off. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  2. If I am not mistaken, the Bomber was found to have forged documents submitted to the court in a previous episode. Presumably, any document submitted to a defendant for verification could potentially be a forgery. He could change a key word, alter a sentence, or delete relevant material in order to incriminate you. Unless, any of your characters have a photographic memory, they are under no obligation to assume the document presented to them is a true and authentic copy. Without such an assumption, who can really truthfully testify to the exact text of something one wrote weeks or months ago?

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