BlognetTitleCardMUSIC: Theme. Intro and fade under.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

MUSIC: Up, then under …

NARRATOR: You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to Internet Detail. A noted anti-First-Amendment activist is seeking a peace order against an Internet user for taking his picture. Your job … get the facts.

MUSIC: Up then under …

ANNOUNCER: Blognet … the documented drama of an actual case. For the next few minutes, in cooperation with the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department, you will travel step by step on the side of the good guys through an actual case transcribed from official files. From beginning to end, from crime to punishment, Blognet is the story of the good guys in action.

MUSIC: Up and out.

SOUND: Footsteps in hallway.

FRIDAY: It was Thursday, June 21st. It was a hot and muggy in Westminster. We were working the day watch out of Internet Detail. My partner’s Liz Smith. The boss is Twitter Town Sheriff W. J. J. Hoge. My name’s Friday. It was 12:17 pm when I returned to Room S-140. Internet Detail.

SOUND: Door opens. Footsteps across room. Paper bag set down on table. Chair pulled out.

SMITH: Thanks for doing the lunch run again today, Joe.

FRIDAY: No problem. Sam’s Bagels is on the way back from the courthouse.

SOUND: Rustling through paper bag.

SMITH: Oh, good! They’ve got the strawberry cream cheese again.

FRIDAY: Yeah, but they were out of sesame seed bagels by the time I got there. I got a mix of …

SOUND: Phone rings once. Receiver picked up.

FRIDAY: Internet Detail. Sergeant Friday. … No, sir, I just walked in. I haven’t seen it. … Yes, sir. I’ll take a look. Goodbye.

SOUND: Receiver hung up.

FRIDAY: The boss says there’s something new on that Timberland peace order.

SMITH: The one that Parvocampus has been tweeting about?

SOUND: Typing on keyboard.

FRIDAY: Uh, huh. Let’s see.

SOUND: More typing on keyboard.

FRIDAY: OK. It looks like Parvocampus was wrong about the identity of the photographer.

SMITH: Why am I not surprised?

FRIDAY: It turns out that it’s a guy named Norden. He’s posted a picture of Timberland flipping him off in traffic. And Norden has filed for his own peace order against Timberland.

SMITH: Dueling peace orders?

FRIDAY: So it seems.

We captured the information we need to track the case and waited.

June 29th, 1:46 pm.

SMITH: Hey, Joe. The Maryland Judiciary Case Search is showing that both Timberland and Norden got their peace orders, but this is odd. They’re only for 30 days instead of the usual six months.

FRIDAY: Sounds like the District Court judge simply wanted them both out of this courtroom. Now we’ll see which one the Circuit Court finds appealing.

MUSIC: Stinger and under.

FRIDAY: It turned out that Timberland didn’t bother to appeal the peace order against him, but Norden did. That resulted his peace order being scheduled for trial de novo. That meant a completely new trial, but the new trial in the Circuit Court could not be scheduled until after the peace order expired. The order remained in place for the 30 days and was a part of Norden’s records in the Maryland Court system. He wanted the order overturned to clear his record. Timberland wanted the order against Norden to stick, and he filed a motion to dismiss Norden’s appeal.

Meanwhile, we had been investigating some of the allegations Timberland had made in his petition. They weren’t standing up to scrutiny.

Thursday, August 23rd.

SMITH: Joe, one of my sources down in Montgomery County has sent me a copy of Timberland’s motion dismiss the Norden appeal. It looks like he’s arguing that the appeal should be moot because the order expired almost a month ago.

FRIDAY: Yeah. That’s probably the best line for him to take to keep the new trial from happening. Given the misinformation we’ve found in his petition, if Norden’s attorney gets Timberland on the stand, he could be in a heap of trouble. Either he will have to admit that he lied in the petition, or he’ll be caught in lies on the stand.

SMITH: Looks like he’s painted himself into a corner.

FRIDAY: It can happen when you don’t understand all the angles.

MUSIC: Up and under.

NARRATOR: On September 5th, a trial was held in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County in the matter of Timberland v. Norden. In a moment the results of that trial.

MUSIC: Stinger.

PINKY: Look, Brain … the boss has got a lot more stuff than mousepads for sale at The Hogewash Store.

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky. There’s a lot of neat stuff to spend your money on at The Hogewash Store. There are shirts, and bags, and drinkware, and all sorts of other interesting items. Loyal members of Team Likckspittle can show their support by shopping today. And did you know that there’s another way as well? Feel free to hit the Tip Jar.

NARRATOR: On September 5th, trial was held in the Circuit Court for Montgomery County in the matter of Timberland v. Norden. When the court denied Timberland’s motion to dismiss, he withdrew his petition. The result was a finding for Norden on the merits. The peace order issued against Timberland remained on the books.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: You have just heard Blognet, a series of authentic cases from official files. Technical advice comes from the office of the Twitter Town Sheriff’s Department.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Blognet is a work of fiction. Anyone who thinks it’s about him should read Proverbs 28:1.

Be sure to tune in on Monday evenings at 6 pm Eastern Time for the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous Internet investigator—Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

13 thoughts on “Blognet

  1. What does it say about me that I’ve been reading this stuff long enough to realize that “Norden” is probably a joke about bad handwriting?

  2. Mr. H., please delete this comment if you think it doesn’t belong here. I apologize in advance if that is the case.

    On Wednesday, Father Kenneth Walker, FSSP, of Phoenix, was murdered in his church. He was 29. Another priest, 56 year old Father Joseph Terra, was critically injured and is hospitalized. Reports state that when the police arrived, Father Terra was in the process of giving last rites (extreme unction) to Father Walker. At this point, the motives for the attack are unknown, and of course there is rampant speculation.

    Father Walker is one of 11 children, and his dad is a retired carpenter. They are not wealthy people, and a GoFundMe drive has been started to help them with expenses. Here is the link, if you are inclined to donate:

  3. Looks like Timberland chickens out like the coward he obviously is, at the eve of trial, when he knows he’ll be cross examined on the stand by competent counsel.

    At least, that’s the lesson I take from this episode …

      • SPQR: I suppose you could always suggest it to Court TV. They almost covered the trial of the hit man I mentioned yesterday, for fortunately for our group, Lorena Bobbitt’s trial was scheduled for the same time frame, and obviously that was more interesting than a murder for hire.

Leave a Reply