Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Cell phone rings once.

SOUND: Outboard motor.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Good morning, Johnny. Were you able to verify those files?

JOHNNY: Not yet. I have an appointment for lunch with our friend.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) Good. What’s that I hear in the background?

JOHNNY: Oh, that! That’s an outboard motor. I’ve been fishing this morning. If you’re going to send me someplace near the water, you should expect me to go fishing.

PRO BONO: (Telephone Filter) OK. Just make sure you land a big one this afternoon.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ProBono With all this travel I may wind up with an action-packed expense account too.

SOUND: Restaurant background.

SOURCE A: Do you mind if I join you, Mr. Atsign?

JOHNNY: Not at all. It’s good to finally meet you.

SOURCE A: The pleasure’s all mine. Have you ever eaten here before?

JOHNNY: No. As a matter of fact, this the first time I’ve ever been to this town. I don’t often make it this far south.

SOURCE A: Well, this area’s been a good place for me to retire, and I think you’ll like the food here. Their specialty is breakfast. I was thinking about having ham and eggs.

JOHNNY: Umm. OK. I was looking over the menu before you arrived. Maybe I’ll try the blueberry waffles.

SOURCE A: (Fading out) Get ’em with the whipped cream …

JOHNNY: We had a pleasant late breakfast for lunch, and the waffles were excellent. It turned out that Source A and I knew quite a few of the same people, many of whom were rather shady characters.

SOURCE A: (Fading in) … so, yes, I was running with a pretty unsavory crowd.

JOHNNY: But how did you come to have these documents?

SOURCE A: In the case of the emails I showed you, I was either the initial addressee or was cced. Or they were forwarded to me in a few cases. I’ve included all the headers on the copies on the thumb drive.

JOHNNY: What about the others?

SOURCE A: The two of us used the services of the same vendor, and, as I said, I’ve been dealing with some unsavory people. That vendor needed some help with something, and I thought I might be able to use the information some day.

JOHNNY: So the honor among thieves thing …

SOURCE A: … meant nothing to him. He sold out for my help.

SOUND: Restaurant background out.

THE BRAIN: Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain … say, have you noticed that the Boss now has both Team Lickspittle and The Grand Hog mouse pads for sale at The Hogewash Store?

ANNOUNCER: That’s right, Pinky, and a mouse pad is just some of the junk that a loyal supporter of Team Lickspittle can spend his money on—exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

JOHNNY: I had pumped Source A for a bunch of seemingly unrelated information. The purpose was to see if he would tell tall tales about any of the subjects I brought up. Some of that would need to be checked with other sources.

Meanwhile, there was forensic analysis to be done on the files I had acquired. I emailed a first set to one of the analytical geeks I know.

SOUND: Cell phone rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign!

GEEK: (Telephone filter) Hey, Johnny! I took a look at those files you sent me.

JOHNNY: And?

GEEK: (Telephone filter) Where the hell did you get them?

JOHNNY: Don’t ask.

GEEK: (Telephone filter) I was expecting them to be Microsoft Office files. You know, Excel and Word.

JOHNNY: They’re not?

GEEK: (Telephone filter) They’re not. They’re Open Office files.

JOHNNY: So they’re fake?

GEEK: (Telephone filter) No. That’s just it. The company that supposedly originated them uses Open Office for their internal documents.

JOHNNY: So that means …

GEEK: (Telephone filter) … yeah. They may be genuine.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @ProBono Ka-ching!

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Curiouser and curiouser. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

28 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


  1. It’ll be interesting to see how much the monkey knows. We’ll know when we see him dance.

    DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!!!


  2. And Biwwy is all snarky that he doesn’t know what Open Office files are (who doesn’t know, or can’t do a quick google, really?) and why should that worry him? So interesting he’s focusing on the file format rather than the content.


    • “You’re so vain… you probably think this post is about you!”

      Seriously, Biggy Smells — your constantly reading this site is creepy.


    • He really shouldn’t flatter himself. It’s rather vain to think that Mr. Hoge reciprocates CBBS’ obsession. It’s apparent he’s sub-literate, but:

      Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1.


    • He’s been doing it for so well for as long as I’ve been following this sage with Mr. Hoge, so that’s 18 months or more. So one begins to suspect that he doesn’t have to “play”.

      Really, how hard is it to Google/Bing/Wiki something you don’t recognize? How many of us do it without even thinking about it? And Biwwy Moldwarp just starts ranting. You’d think we’d made up Open Office just to mess with him.


      • Looks like he was busy with a sock on Twitter today. 😉

        It fits, he barely posted to his usual account.


      • If by his sock you mean PatriotWhistle, A**h*le Whistle got himself reported multiple times for harassing and abusive behaviour. Even after I blocked him, he must have sent me about 50 @mentions. (I know because my ipad twitter account didn’t seem to accept the ban and went bing for every single one. It was very busy for an hour there, grrr.)


      • I just glanced at PWs account, but it sure smells like Bill. The frenzied, bang-bang posting style is just like him. I can’t see it as a coincidence that John nails hims HARD on the @liberalgrouch lie, and he has no response at all, then he pretty much abandons his usual twitter account to do what? Nothing?

        Nah, it’s Bill. Treat it as such.


      • I’d give my left hairy schmalfeldt to know what was going on on March 7th, the last day PW was active.


      • May 7th was also the day Twinkie announced that BK had “bought” The National Blogger’s Club and tried to claim Ali Ackbar had been committing fraud by continuing to use the name without updating the state fees etc etc.

        Funny how Patriot Whistle is quiet for almost an entire year and then starts tweeting like mad asking “questions” about The National Blogger’s Club/Ali, right after Twinkie announces and blogs about BK’s supposed buying of it. These questions of course were just Twinkie’s allegations in question form and anyone who told him Twinkie was full of shit he attacked.
        The he went quiet again…till today when right after Twinkie writes a nasty blog about Paul Lemmen, this guy starts tweeting again attacking Paul and anyone who tweeted to him.

        O.o


  3. Methinks a certain midget bomber is shaking in his boots. IF he realizes the significance of the Open Office comment. Most US corporations do not use OO for any internal documents. The majority of OO users for internal documents are EU and Caribbean financial concerns.
    Just think about the significance of that. Now you can smile. And Brett just crapped his pants!


  4. Bill says “Lemmen and I, as I recall, exchanged e-mails a couple times in which he thanked me for my efforts to get to the bottom of the fraud being committed by Ali Akbar and the National Bloggers Club.” Oh Bill really? A couple of times? Only about NBC? Bwhahahahahah…come on Bill, you know that’s a lie. You know you are sweating about what he saved.

    Oh and BTW, for a racist misogynist like Bill it’s amusing to see he has an ad on his site for foreign bride dating service. I guess the man really do anything for a few cents. Wonder what he has done for a few dollars?


    • Heh. Really? I remember Brett (and Bill) denigrating Aaron for having an Asian wife … more irony!

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