Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign


Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Good evening, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Well, hello!

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) I think you want to log in to PACER.

JOHNNY: PACER? What’s up?

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) The Bomber’s filing more stuff in that RICO lawsuit.

JOHNNY: Today? I just checked PACER. There’s nothing new today.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) You looked in the Maryland system. Run a search in the Eastern District of Virginia.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Goodguysunmask So you think The Bomber has an @Joker up his sleeve?

JOHNNY: I logged into PACER, the federal court system’s online database, and ran a search for The Bomber in the Eastern District of Virginia. And there it was … a case file for his RICO lawsuit against over 20 bloggers and media companies. I ran a query for the case docket.

CASE DOCKET: (SYNTH VOICE) Item One … Plaintiff’s Motion for Subpoena. Item Two … Motion to Hear Motion for Subpoena on January 17, 2014. Item Three … Motion Hearing. Item Four … Order.

JOHNNY: I downloaded the entire docket. The subpoena was directed at a third party who might have had billing information which would identify the anonymous blogger Joker who was one of the defendant’s in The Bomber’s RICO suit. The court had denied the request for the subpoena. This is the sort of stuff that comes in handy some day.

That day wasn’t long in coming.

SOUND: Cell phone rings once.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) Hey, Johnny. Did you see the motion The Bomber filed today.

JOHNNY: Not yet.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) He wants a third party subpoena for billing information on one of Joker’s accounts.

JOHNNY: That’s old news. The court ruled against that days ago.

AARON: (Telephone Filter) What are you talking about? He just filed it today. The judge probably hasn’t even seen the motion yet.

JOHNNY: Hold it. Was this filed in the District Court in Maryland?

AARON; (Telephone Filter) Yes. Where else would he file?

JOHNNY: I’ve got something from Virginia you need to see. Watch your email.

ANNOUNCER: The first crocus popped up in the lawn outside the studio today. Warmer weather is coming, but it’s still cool enough that a Team Lickspittle hoodie provides just the right amount of warmth while working in the lawn cleaning up after winter. The hoodies are just some of the trinkets you can find to waste your hard-earned cash on at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

JOHNNY: The Bomber was engaging in venue shopping. After having his motion for a subpoena denied in the Eastern District of Virginia, he filed essentially the same motion in Maryland. This time his motion was opposed. Joker secured pro bono representation from a couple of leftwing pro-First-Amendment organizations.

The Bomber was apparently rattled by having folks who he thought should support him come in on the side of a defendant. He filed what amounted to an ad hominem attack against one of the pro bono attorneys. The judged did not seem to be amused.

Meanwhile, I passed along what Rule 5 Girl had found to all the defense attorneys. The fact of the original subpoena request was useful in and of itself, but there was other gold to be mined from that docket.

JOHNNT TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Aaron Did you find the Easter Egg?

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Sometimes separate checks are a good idea. Join us, won’t you?

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

8 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

      • Remember the sour cream … Try Lickspittal brand doulbe sour cream … we make it sour by showing it a picture of Schmalfeldt …
        No animals were injured in the making of either the sour cream nor this commercial …

    • Yes. I know this is fiction, but I imagine the defendants bringing this to the court’s attention during a show cause hearing.

  1. What you people fail to understand is that “The Bomber” is a legal genius who has filed over 100 lawsuits. The courts are a mere plaything to him. Mr. Hoge is DOOMED.

    /sarc like that was necessary

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