Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

Johnny Atsign Logo 2ANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype ringing once. Handset picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

STRIDER: (Telephone Filter) Johnny, it’s Strider. Check your email.

JOHNNY: What’s up!

STRIDER: (Telephone Filter) I just sent you a copy of that motion to dismiss.

JOHNNY: The one for The Grouch?

STRIDER: (Telephone Filter) Yes.

JOHNNY: Thanks. I’ll take a look.

MUSIC: Theme up and under.

ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter. There had been a continuance in the peace order case between Strider and The Grouch. At the previous hearing, the judge had surprised both The Grouch’s Lawyer and Strider when he informed them that a motion to dismiss had been filed.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Strider Analyzing the motion now.

JOHHNY: You can learn a lot from a page that has been printed from a computer. Even the font can tell you something. There’s a standard joke among typographers that the use of Times New Roman tells you the person creating the document was an uncreative soul who was too lazy to switch from the default font in Microsoft Word. There’s more you can learn.

For instance, Macs and PCs don’t handle fonts the same way. Macs draw fonts so that they are consistent with type used by printers. By “printers” I mean the guys who run printing presses. PCs use a different scheme, so the same text document printed from a Mac does not look exactly the same as it would printed from a PC. Furthermore, different kinds of printers have their unique quirks.

And then there’s layout style. Different writers tend to use different templates.

Add all that to an author’s writing style providing clues, and it’s often possible to find out who wrote something and what kind of computer and printer were used to create the finished document.

JOHNNY DMS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Strider Give me a call.

SOUND: Skype ringing once. Handset picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

STRIDER: (Telephone Filter) What’s up, Johnny?

JOHNNY: The forensics are done on the motion. The most likely author is The Bomber.

STRIDER: (Telephone Filter) Can we prove it?

JOHNNY: Beyond a reasonable doubt? No. But at least it give you confirmation of his involvement in the matter. It’s almost as if he’s trying to practice law without a license.

STRIDER: (Telephone Filter) Ugh. OK. I still need you as a possible witness at the hearing.

JOHNNY: I’ll be there.

ANNOUNCER: Say, when’s the last time you stopped by The Hogewash Store? If you haven’t been by for a while, you should check out the new items—Johnny Atsign and The Grand Hog stuff have been recently added to all the Team Lickspittle and Res Judicata stuff—and then proceed to checkout to spend some of your hard earned money in support of Team Lickspittle.

LAWYER: So, that’s our position, Your Honor. The Grouch is a legitimate journalist, and Strider is a public figure. We believe that under New York Times v. Sullivan, Strider has to accept a certain level of public scrutiny.

STRIDER: Your Honor, perhaps my learned colleague can explain to the court the journalistic purpose of some of the tweets and blog posts that were entered into evidence. How does something like “You deserve troll time” fit the purpose of a legitimate journalist. I ask that you issue the final peace order.

JUDGE: This is an unusual peace order case because of the way it intersects with the First Amendment. I’m not going to rule on whether or not I believe The Grouch’s writings are agreeable. I’m ruling in a narrow sense related to his claim of journalism. On that basis, I will deny the peace order.

SOUND: Footsteps in parking lot.

JOHNNY: Well, it was no surprise to see The Bomber there supporting The Grouch, but the ruling was a tough break.

STRIDER: Yes. I think the judge got it wrong. His ruling was reasoned, but he misapplied Sullivan.

JOHNNY: You’re entitled to appeal to the Circuit Court. Will you?

STRIDER: No. There’s already a case in Carroll County that may nail him.

JOHNNY: Yeah. I know. I’m working it. And The Bomber’s up to his neck in that one too.

STRIDER: You are?

JOHNNY: Hey, I’m a busy fellow. I don’t get to spend all my time fishing.

SOUND: Footsteps fade out.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Zoa I’ll have the report to you the Friday before the trial.

MUSIC: Theme up and under

ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. And sometime you win big time. Join us, won’t you.

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

MUSIC: Swell theme and under

ANNOUNCER: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge, is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

MUSIC: Theme up to music out.

ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

3 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. Pingback: DeRP’s Views You Can Use 01.10.2014 | Dead Republican Party (DeRP)

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