Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

JohnnyAtsign LogoANNOUNCER: From Westminster, it’s time for—

SOUND: Skype Ringing Once. Handset picked up.

JOHNNY: Johnny Atsign.

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Hi, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Well, hello. What’s up?

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) Do you remember that ex-con I told you about who is running a couple of not-for-profits over in your part of the country?

JOHNNY: The Bomber? Yeah, what about him?

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) He’s threatening bloggers with bogus lawsuits.

JOHNNY: Trying that lawfare scam?

RULE 5 GIRL: (Telephone Filter) It sure seems like it.

JOHNNY: I’ll look into it.

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ANNOUNCER: The Lickspittle Broadcasting System presents W. J. J. Hoge in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action-packed Twitter account, America’s fabulous free-lance Internet investigator …

JOHNNY: Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign!

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JOHNNY: The following is partial extract of the tweets sent and received during my investigation of Short-Fused Dud Matter. I set out looking for any information I could find about The Bomber.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) What’s the latest on #TheBomber? Asking for a friend.

JOHHNY: That brought in a fair number of tweets and DMs. It turned out that The Bomber had been successful in suing a leftwing blogger for defamation and harassment. The Bomber claimed that writing truthful things about his past constituted harassment because in made it less likely that people would donate to the not-for-profits he ran. He had sued the blogger for a million-and-a-quarter to make up for a government grant he claimed he’d lost and another million in punitive damages. Sometimes the action that’s packed into my cases is simply shoe leather work running down documents. I went by the courthouse and picked up a copy of the transcript audio. It wasn’t a trial on the merits of the case. The blogger hadn’t responded in a timely manner, so there had been a default judgment. It was a damages hearing.

THE BOMBER: He has called me a pedophile, a murderer, a fraudster, a con man, a terrorist. I mean, the list goes on.

JUDGE 1: Okay. What I need though is, I mean, right now, you’re giving me conclusions, and I need hard facts.

JOHNNY: And so it went for quite a while. Finally, the judge ruled.

JUDGE 1: It’s unfortunate that this matter didn’t go to trial, because it does complicate the damage issue, but The Bomber has the burden of proof to show actual damages. The major concern I have, and the difficulty I have in awarding actual damages, is the causal connection between whatever statements were made and the financial impact on you is not proven. I also can’t be blind to First Amendment issues and whether statements that were contained in blogs were statements of truth. Because there was a default on the claims themselves, I’m going to award what is considered really nominal damages of $100.

JOHNNY: And the judge ordered the blogger not to interfere with The Bomber’s business.

Now, from my point of view The Bomber is … well, let’s just say, he tends to hold a grudge. He had found out that a politically conservative lawyer had offered free legal assistance to the leftwing blogger, and The Bomber realigned his sights on that lawyer. The lawyer was also a blogger, and for his own set of reasons he wrote under a nom de cyber. For our purposes we’ll call him Strider. As part of an attempt to get the leftwing blogger held in contempt of court, The Bomber filed for subpoena to force Google to give up Strider’s identity, but The Bomber found out Strider’s ID by other means. He then filed a motion to withdraw his subpoena and included Strider’s identity in his motion as a way of outing him. Strider filed an motion to seal The Bomber’s filing and showed up in court for the contempt hearing. I got the courtroom audio of that as well.

STRIDER: Your Honor, if you look at what he has filed today, all he had to do to file that motion was to tell the Court that he obtained my information. He did not have to even say my name. Instead, in this public document now, he has put my name, he has put my home address, he has put my birth date, he has put the high school I went to. He put the fact that I dropped out of high school in this. He put the fact that I received a GED. He put the fact that I went to the University of North Texas. He went and put in the fact that I sued the law school admissions council. He put in the fact that I was admitted to Yale Law School and graduated in the class of 2002. He put down my current job with my current employer and their address as well.

His intent in doing this was so that it becomes a public record so that him and his friends can put this out into the public so they can stalk and harass me. I would like this to be sealed.

JUDGE 2: I’m going to grant the request to file this under seal. And I’ll grant the request to seal the information in the motion to withdraw.

JOHNNY: And then The Bomber tried to convince the judge that the leftwing blogger was disobeying the injunction concerning interfering with his business.

JUDGE 2: I’ve read the November blogs. I don’t see anything in here that’s defamation.

THE BOMBER: But they interfere with my business. That’s the second part of the order.

JUDGE 2: What evidence do you have of this, that anything has, anything specifically has interfered with your business?

JOHNNY: The Bomber rattled on for a while, and then the judge ruled.

JUDGE 2: Well, I’ve reviewed what’s been submitted. I do not find that there is sufficient evidence that would allow me to conclude there is any contempt after reviewing all these documents. I’m going to deny the petition for contempt.

The Court’s in recess.

CLERK: All rise.

JOHNNY: What happened next occurred out of the range of the courtroom microphones. But there was a camera.

JOHNNY TWEETS: (SYNTH VOICE) @Strider What’s the YouTube address for that video.

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ANNOUNCER: Now, here’s our star to tell you about next week’s intriguing episode of our story.

JOHNNY: Next week? Well, sometimes the good guys take a terrible beating before things turn their way. Join us, won’t you.

Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

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ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign mugs and other stuff are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign, starring W. J. J. Hoge is transcribed in Westminster. Be sure to join us next Monday, same time and URL, for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign.

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ANNOUNCER: Johnny Atsign is a work of fiction. If anyone thinks it’s about him, he should read Proverbs 28:1. This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

12 thoughts on “Yours Truly, Johnny Atsign

  1. What amuses me most is that most of people who stumble across your online diary don’t have any idea what you are parodying. What’s Gunsmoke? Are you parodying the movie or the radio show? 1953, my parents weren’t even adults yet. Actually, I don’t care. It’s boring. Just another one of those “old white people” shows. You and Bill really need to make a movie called “Grumpy Old Men”. It would be funny. Much funnier than these parodies of outdated things most people under 50 never listened to a day of their lives. I don’t get why washed up stuff is so funny to you all.

      • Yes, the people who enjoy your blog are not bigots and racists like this commenter. He doesn’t like old people and he doesn’t like white people.

    • Yeah, you should only write about stuff James wants to hear about. I mean, it is really kind of rude to write about things that interest you. And what is it with all these star pictures? Who wants to look at that. I mean most of us weren’t even adults when the universe formed. Can you say, “selfish?”

  2. Nicely done, John. For those of us who have been paying attention for quite some time… hammer met nail.

    What amused me most, however, was James… just kidding.

    Troll. Choke on your stupid. Please.

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