Episode 12

Blogsmoke

SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 21st. 7:09 PM. … I just want to do some GOOD with whatever time I have left, and squabbling with @wjjhoge is only making me sicker. It’s no help to anyone.

JOHN: Ahhhhh. Peace and quiet. No more @wjjhoge tweets from The Grouch appearing in my Interactions or Mentions. I had filed a petition for a six-month extension of the peace order against The Grouch, and, after waiting through the 15 day period available for The Grouch’s reply, the Clerk of the Court put the hearing on the docket. I received this note from my lawyer.

ZOA: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Enclosed is a copy of the notice from Circuit Court scheduling the hearing on the Petition for six month extension of the peace order in your case for December 9th. Please mark you calendar … (FADES INTO MUSIC)

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

JOHN: The only constant character trait of The Grouch is his inconstancy. He never sticks with anything for long. And so it was with his compliance with the peace order. But we’ll get to that in a little while. For a few days around Thanksgiving, The Grouch managed to find a way to tweet about me without tweeting to me.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 23rd. The unfortunate, addled, WJJ HOGE is going to, eventually, learn the folly of filing false charges, and lying under oath on his complaint.

JOHN: But The Grouch has yet to point to a single false charge or lie.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 23rd. I believe the man is senile. WJJ Hoge thinks I’m going to jail for putting a @ in front of his name.

JOHN: I have no idea whether or not The Grouch will go to jail. That’s up to a judge. He hasn’t been charged with putting an @ symbol in front of anyone’s name. He charged with doing something a court ordered him not to do. That he accomplished his disobedience by using an @ symbol is simply the means to his end.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 27th. For every little bit of evidence Hoge gives me to flatten his skull, I give thanks to the Lord.

JOHN: And the next day was Thanksgiving.

ANNOUNCER: When I get home from the studio, I’m ready to relax. I often grab my iPad and use it to surf the web or watch a movie. My iPad is protected by a Hogewash! Res Judicata iPad case. Res Judicata cases (and other goodies) are available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

And now back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JOHN: As the court date for the petition for the six-month extension draws near, The Grouch seems to be panicking. He’s trying all sorts of frivolous tactics, like this email from one of his buddies.

INKY: (REDNECK DRAWL) (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) I am officially and legally asking you to cease and desist all harassment of The Grouch. This includes referring to him by anything other than his actual name. This includes the filing of any additional frivolous charges against him. The Grouch can not preclude you from writing about him, but he considers derogatory nicknames, especially when they are spread by your followers all over the Internet, to be a textbook definition of harassment. Also, as all your previous criminal charges against The Grouch have been dismissed by the State’s Attorney, but you continue to file charges with the expectation that the outcome will somehow be different, The Grouch considers the continued filing of these charges as harassment and demands that you cease at once.

Failure to abide by this request will be seen as a violation of the above named section, and you can expect The Grouch to take appropriate steps.

JOHN: From my point of view the “appropriate steps” for The Grouch to take would involve maintaining compliance with the peace order. I don’t think he agrees.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) December 2nd. 7:00 PM. @wjjhoge See you Monday! Be ready to testify. Under oath.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) What plot twist is next? There’s no telling with a character like The Grouch—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

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