Episode 9

Blogsmoke

SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

JOHN: The Court of Appeals put a stake through the heart of The Grouch’s case. There would be no modification to the peace order. There would be no appeal. The Grouch was left an adjudicated harasser, and the peace order was left intact. But The Grouch was not done yet. He hadn’t reacted well to his loss in the Circuit Court.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) (FADING UP) … be decided not by a moron who wouldn’t even allow me to introduce evidence. Maryland Court of Appeals will call it.

JOHN: When the possibility of actually being held accountable for his actions finally began to seep through his skull, …

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 7th. If @wjjhoge chooses to sue me, he reopens to case, and I will get to present the evidence that I intended to present at my motion to modify.

JOHN: Uh, no. If I were to sue him because of his harassment, the peace order trial establishes what he did to a higher level of proof than required for a civil suit. His nemesis res judicata would cause him to be estopped from rearguing that proven matter. The case would probably result in a summary judgment and go straight to a damages hearing.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Later November 7th. The moment I’m served with any papers by @wjjhoge, I will ask my wife to drive me to the Howard County Courthous to file charges.

Still later on the 7th. The MINUTE I so much as even SMELL a WJJHoge lawsuit or criminal charge, I’m off to the Howard County Courthouse for file criminal charges.

JOHN: Yada,yada, yada. By the way, filing a lawsuit based on the facts or filing the report of a crime based on the facts are protected legal acts. Threatening to file a criminal charge against someone in an attempt to cause him from refraining from doing a legal act is called extortion.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

JOHN: Between noon on the 7th and noon on the 8th, I received 29 tweets from The Grouch. I thought I had had enough, so I bundled up all 36 tweet that I’d received from him since the hearing on the motion to modify, and I went down to the District Courthouse.

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

JOHN: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

JOHN: OK.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

JOHN: There.

COMMISSIONER: Thank you. Let me give you a case number.

JOHN: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) That’s a switch. (FULL MIKE) Case number? Are going to charge him?

COMMISSIONER: Well, it’s clear that he was told not to contact you, and there’s evidence that he has.

ANNOUNCER: OK, Team Lickspittle members, listen up! Your requests have been answered. Official Hogewash! Res Judicata t-shirts are now available, and, like all Team Lickspittle stuff, they’re available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

And now back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JOHN: The Commissioner did charge him. There were 36 counts of failure to comply with a peace order and one count each of harassment and misused of electronic communications.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) November 8th. My dear friend @wjjhoge just went there. Does @wjjhoge realize what he’s just done. He can’t. He can’t realize it, because he would never have done it otherwise.

JOHN: And so on, and so on. By noon on the 12th, he had tweeted to me another 198 times.

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

JOHN: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

JOHN: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Yeah, all 41 of ’em.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Oh, but The Grouch is not yet done—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

4 thoughts on “Episode 9


  1. CBBS has stepped in it… deep. I’d wager he has even come to the realization that deep doo-doo is deep doo-doo, and he’d best step no further. Hence, his newfound ability to tweet ABOUT John Hoge and not TO John Hoge.

    Here’s to hoping Schmalfeldt is held duly accountable for his lawlessness — not to mention his ridiculous bravado, off-the-charts hubris, and just plain, old ignorance.

    BTW — Stupid should hurt… bad.


    • He keeps focusing on the tweets. There are other charges. Perhaps he should follow his own advice and work on his defense for those.


  2. The word “hubris” does suit him. He thinks that anyone who has a living trust is rich. What a provincial rube. I’ll bet he thinks hot dogs are haute cuisine.

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