Episode 7

Blogsmoke

SOUND: MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Twitter Town and in the territory of the net—there’s just one way to handle the harassers and the stalkers—and that’s with an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “BLOGSMOKE” starring W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the trolling that moved into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

JOHN: I’m that man, John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

JOHN: By September, The Grouch was looking at 8 counts of the criminal offense of failure to comply with a peace order. Of course, he was doing his best to weasel his way out of the charges. He sent an email confession to the State’s Attorney claiming that everything was just a series of unfortunate accidents or that he had been tricked or something.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Well, I seem to have done it for a third time. I have responded to a tweet by someone that included @wjjhoge as an “at mention” and failed to remove his name from the mention. People contacting me now are surreptitiously adding @wjjhoge to their tweets, hoping to catch me in this mistake, and they have succeeded again. I assure you that my intent was discuss a concept with one of Hoge’s pals, not to harass Mr. Hoge. But I realize this has violated the letter of the “no contact” part of the peace order, and for that I apologize.

I have appealed this ridiculous peace order and have filed motions to amend and am still awaiting a docket number from the court.

JOHN: It worked. The Grouch managed to beat the rap. The State’s Attorney’s Office bought his story about being tricked into tweeting to me. It wasn’t true, but they bought it.

What was really going on was The Grouch butting in on conversations that didn’t include him and replying to someone who was tweeting to me. Since he was simply hitting the Reply button on the other guy’s tweet instead of typing out the account handles manually, he was tweeting me as well.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

JOHN: The State’s Attorney dropped the charges, but The Grouch didn’t get off scot-free. He was sent an email warning that he had used up all his excuses.

PROSECUTOR: (MALE VOICE THROUGH SMALL SPEAKER) (FADE IN) What that means is you need to stop contacting Mr. Hoge (directly or indirectly). In your many emails to me you indicate it was an accident. Our decision is based on these facts and in the event there is any future contact with Mr. Hoge, that could constitute a violation of the peace order.

JOHN: Of course, The Grouch paid no more attention to the State’s Attorney’s Office than he did to the judge.

ANNOUNCER: Those cool autumn evenings are turning into chilly winter nights. A Team Lickspittle Blanket Wrap is a cozy way to stay warm. It’s got sleeves and pockets where you can stash your phone or the remote. Like all Team Lickspittle goodies, it’s available exclusively at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

And now back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

JOHN: Being let off on those peace order violation charges seemed to embolden The Grouch. He began to write about how he was going to relitigate the whole peace order case during the hearing on his motion to modify the order. He began bragging about my being arrested for perjury.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) October 8th. I’ll tell ya what. I will personally HAND Hoge a list of the 24 lies in the brief, his own lies under oath, and we’ll keep a running tally.

JOHN: My lawyer never filed a brief, just a short answer to The Grouch’s motion.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) Later October 8th. If Hoge gets clapped into cuffs and thrown into jail for lying under oath, he’ll spin it into a win. “LOOK! New bracelets and a free room!”

JOHN: I already own a pair of Smith & Wesson stainless steel handcuffs. They’re left over from a previous set of adventures.

THE GROUCH: (THROUGH A SMALL SPEAKER) October 10th. Well, I think 49 exhibits is enough. Unless Hoge gives me more to work with. All I need is to write my closing.

JOHN: Res judicata.

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Some people must learn their Latin the hard way—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: The Legal Department wishes the following declaimer read: “‘BLOGSMOKE’ is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1.” This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.

3 thoughts on “Episode 7


  1. People contacting me now are surreptitiously adding @wjjhoge to their tweets, hoping to catch me in this mistake, and they have succeeded again.

    People doing what? How? Via Twitter? Oh, Señor Neckroll, usted es tan estúpido.

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