Xenophon (the Troll) makes a lame attempt at ironic humor over at Breitbart Unmasked with a post (No, I won’t link to it) trying to cast me as the Internet Sheriff of Twitter Town. It has a sort of Blogsmoke theme.
Here’s how we would have done it back when I was working in radio—
HORSE MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET
MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around
Dodge City Twitter Town and in the territory out west of the net—there’s just one way to handle the killers harassers and the spoilers stalkers—and that’s with a U.S. Marshall an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2
“GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE” starring William Conrad W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the violence trolling that moved west with young America into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved with against it. (MUSIC: OUT) MATT JOHN: I’m that man, Matt Dillon, United States Marshall John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.
MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3
SOUND: HOUSEHOLD BACKGROUND NOISE—PHONE RINGS OFF MIKE
WILL: (OFF MIKE) Dad! Telephone.
JOHN: I’ll get it in here.
SOUND: PHONE PICKED UP
LEE: (FILTERED) John, It’s Lee.
JOHN: Hey, Lee.
LEE: (FILTERED) I’m flying into BWI tomorrow evening to file charges against the Grouch. Can you give me a ride from the airport to the courthouse.
JOHN: Sure. When do you get in?
LEE: (FILTERED) Just after six.
JOHN: That works. BWI is on my way home from work. There’s a great place for crab cakes between the airport and where the District Court Commissioner’s night office is located. We’ll grab dinner on the way. Send me an email with the flight info.
LEE: (FILTERED) Thanks, John.
SOUND: PHONE HANGS UP—HOUSEHOLD BACKGROUND FADES
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4
SOUND: CAR ROLLING TO A STOP
PARKING GIRL: Three Dollars.
JOHN: Here you go.
PARKING GIRL: Need a receipt?
JOHN: No thanks.
SOUND: CAR ACCELERATES—ROAD NOISE SUSTAINS IN BACKGROUND
JOHN: So how do your wife and kids feel about this?
LEE: They’re tired of it. After a while, it became obvious that he wasn’t going to stop.
LEE: I can put up with a lot, but when he suggested that my wife be raped while I was away covering the convention …
JOHN: Uh, huh.
LEE: As if that weren’t enough … going on and on about the child we lost in childbirth … And saying that I was pimping my wife and daughter.
JOHN: Yeah. He’s scum. By the way, you see that trailer park on the right.
JOHN: He’s in Number 71.
SOUND: ROAD NOISE FADES
ANNOUNCER: There’s a nip in the air these days as autumn moves toward winter. One good way to fight the chill is a Team Lickspittle sweatshirt or hoodie. Why not get yours today? Team Lickspittle sweatshirts and hoodies are just some of the trinkets you can waste your hard-earned cash on, stuff exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.
And now, back to our story.
MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5
COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.
LEE: I do.
COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.
SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING
COMMISSIONER: Thank you.
SOUND: FORMS BEING SEPARATED—STAPLER
COMMISSIONER: Here are your copies. Have a good evening.
LEE: Thanks. Good night.
JOHN: Well, that’s that. Let’s go.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES—FOOTSTEPS ACROSS PARKING LOT—TWO CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE—CAR STARTS INTERIOR POV
JOHN: You can crash on our couch tonight.
LEE: Thanks, John.
JOHN: No problem. We’ll see how Howard County deals with this.
SOUND: CAR ACCELERATES AND ROAD NOISE FADES
MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6
ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) You know, cyberstalkers like the Grouch do real harm. Over the next week, he began to expand his attacks on bloggers—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!
MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT
ANNOUNCER: This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.
Stay tuned for Episode 2.