SOUND: HORSE MODEM CONNECTING FADES UP TO FULL MIKE—SINGLE SHOT—RICHOCHET

MUSIC: UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 1

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Around Dodge City Twitter Town and in the territory out west of the net—there’s just one way to handle the killers harassers and the spoilers stalkers—and that’s with a U.S. Marshall an Internet Sheriff and the smell of “GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: THEME HITS: FULL BROAD SWEEP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 2

ANNOUNCER: “GUNSMOKE” “BLOGSMOKE” starring William Conrad W. J. J. Hoge. The story of the violence trolling that moved west with young America into the young Internet—and the story of a man who moved with against it. (MUSIC: OUT)

MATT JOHN: I’m that man, Matt Dillon, United States Marshall John Hoge, Internet Sheriff—the first man they look for and the last they want to meet. It’s a chancy job—and it makes a man watchful … and a little lonely.

MUSIC: MAIN TITLE—RECORDED—CUT 3

JUDGE: (FADE IN TO FULL MIKE) These are ways we communicate today. What your doing is the same as junk telemarketing calls or spam emails, and it has been directed to Mr. Hoge. That’s an important distinction. It’s communication to Mr. Hoge rather than writing about him. Thus, the Cassidy case does not apply.

Therefore, I find that you did engage in a course of conduct to harass Mr. Hoge during the 30 days prior to the filing of the petition and that you are likely to continue to do so. I will issue the peace order. For the next six months, you are not to contact him, and that includes in person, on the phone, by mail, by email, on Twitter, or any other means. You are not to attempt to contact him. You are not to harass him. You are to stay away from his residence.

Ms. Barnes, your client is retired?

ZOA: Yes, your honor.

JUDGE: OK, we don’t need the usual part about staying away from work. Does that cover every thing?

ZOA: Yes, your honor.

JUDGE: It is so ordered. Mr. Hoge, you can pick up your copy in the Clerk’s Office upstairs. Mr. Kim, have your client wait here, and a deputy will serve him after Mr. Hoge has left the courthouse.

Court’s adjourned.

ZOA AND KIM: (TOGETHER) Thank you, your honor.

SOUND: GAVEL

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 4

JOHN: And that should have been the end of it—”It” being the harassment that opened up full-force as soon as I had helped my friend Lee file a complaint against a jerk I’ll call The Grouch who had been harassing Lee’s family on the Internet. The Grouch didn’t stop, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

As I was saying, the harassment began after I helped my friend.

SOUND: PHONE RINGING CALLER’S POV—CALLED PARTY ANSWERS

AARON: (FILTERED) Hello.

JOHN: Aaron, it’s John.

AARON: (FILTERED) What’s up?

JOHN: You know that I blogged and tweeted that no contact demand just after midnight?

AARON: (FILTERED) Yeah.

JOHN: Well, he’s sent a tweet with link to the blog post. That establishes that he’s aware of the demand and on notice to stop.

AARON (FILTERED): He isn’t likely to stop.

JOHN: Look, he’s already facing that harassment charge from Lee.

AARON: (FILTERED) Don’t hold your breath.

JOHN: (FADING OUT)  Maybe I’ll get lucky, and he’ll chill out.

ANNOUNCER: I don’t know about you, but I could use a cup of coffee right about now, and I’m going to have mine in my Team Lickspittle coffee mug. Do you have one? You should, you know. A Team Lickspittle mug is an excellent way to let your friends and coworkers know you support Team Lickspittle and Internet First Amendment rights. They’re exclusively available at The Hogewash Store. Drop by today and show your support for Team Lickspittle.

And now, back to our story.

MUSIC: SCENE BUMPER MUSIC—RECORDED—CUT 5

COMMISSIONER: Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that statements contained herein are true to the best of your knowledge and belief.

JOHN: I do.

COMMISSIONER: Sign and date all the pages please.

JOHN: OK.

SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING

JOHN: There.

COMMISSIONER: Thank you.

SOUND: FORMS BEING SEPARATED—STAPLER

COMMISSIONER: Here are your copies. Have a good evening.

JOHN: Thanks. Good night.

AARON: Well, that’s that. Let’s go.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALLWAY—DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES—FOOTSTEPS ACROSS PARKING LOT—TWO CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE

JOHN: Thanks for coming with me.

AARON: No problem. It’s a good thing we happened to be visiting you guys today.

JOHN: Yep. Well, let’s get back to the house and see what the girls are up to.

SOUND: CAR STARTING INTERIOR POV

JOHN: Who knows? Maybe a second set of harassment charges will chill him out?

SOUND: CAR ACCELERATES AND ROAD NOISE FADES

MUSIC: CLOSING TITLE UP AND UNDER—RECORDED—CUT 6

ANNOUNCER: (VOICE OVER MUSIC) Of course, The Grouch didn’t chill. He not only kept the harassment going, he intensified it—as we will see in the next episode of “BLOGSMOKE”!

MUSIC: SWELL AND CONTINUE TO MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER: This is LBS, the Lickspittle Broadcasting System.